Guest Writer

         So today I decided to take a little break and have a good friend take over the blog for me. Here ya go:

Why Do People Keep Drawing Dicks in My Mouth?
By: Owen Wilson



         Hi, I'm Owen Wilson. I may be a big star these days, (in fact I'm in ridiculously high demand. Did you motherfuckers see Wedding Crashers? Comedy gold.) but just because I'm so famous doesn't mean I'm above riding the subway when I'm in New York. I'm down with the people, I don't need a chauffeur to wait on me all the time. I think this "real-ness" about me, makes this whole situation more hard-to-believe. Why does everyone feel the need to keep drawing dicks in my mouth?
         Ok, maybe You, Me, and Dupree doesn't look like the must-see of the summer. However, does that really warrant defacing every poster you see on the subway? I may seem larger than life on screen, but dude, I have feelings too. Yes, my mouth is open in a slightly odd way. I'm sure my shit-eating grin might make it easier for you to say, "Let's draw a cock in this dude's mouth!" I just find it odd that every subway platform has 2 or 3 of those posters and all have a crudely drawn penis entering my parted lips. Dude, I'm smiling. How could one even fit a wang in between my teeth? It doesn't work, and I bet it would be painful, even for a small, disembodied dick.
         And I really don't get the coloring in of the teeth on all the posters. I mean, gay jokes are one thing, but I can't see any reason for quickly coloring in a tooth as you're waiting for the L. My teeth are beautiful. If you wanna deface some teeth, jump on Matt Dillon's big old horse teeth. Have you seen those things? Jesus tap-dancing Christ, those are big. I think I just hate the whole Dillon family because of their rampant mediocrity. Let's see what his brother's up to... oh he's playing the non-successful older brother of a somewhat big star on Entourage... that's a stretch. Yeah, my brother's Luke Wilson, maybe you've heard of him. Read it and weep, bitches. It's fucking silly though, man. Matt Dillon's so much gayer than me. And Carmen Electra and Amy Smart are worlds hotter than Neve Campbell and Denise Richards. Neither of them even have careers anymore.
         About two weeks ago I caught someone trying to vandalize one of our totally cool posters. He was drawing in a cumshot from an already-made johnson. Oh, ok. I take jizz in my face now too. Hardy har, that's a riot, man. Do you have something against me? Well, I was pretty furious, so I tapped the young rascal on the shoulder. Needless to say, he was surprised from being in such a huge star's presence.
I looked him dead in the eyes and said, "Hey dude, come on, do you, like, have something against me or this film?"
"N-n-no!" he stammered.
"Man, I bet you haven't even seen this film." I asked.
"I don't even think it's out yet. I wasn't gonna see it. This shit's just funny." he replied.
I took that Sharpie out of his hand, socked him in the jaw, and held him down with one hand while I drew a penis on HIS face. "You think it's funny now, bitch?!" I kept yelling. He ran away, frightened out of his wits. That'll teach him to mess with a Wilson.

         All in all, I thought you guys were my peeps. But this is just unfair and hurtful. Come on, brah, you're judging me before the movie even comes out. I guarantee this movie will be fucking great. (editor's note: You, Me, and Dupree came in 4th at the box office with just 12 million dollars. Reviews say such things as: "fails on almost every level", "cringe-inducing humor at its most wooden", and that Wilson is "at his most intolerable) Is this backlash from I Spy or Shanghai Knights? Well fuck you too. Let's see you get eaten by an anaconda or make-out with Rachel McAdams. I have more non-dicksucking awesomeness in my pinky than you have in your whole body.
         I bet Steely Dan is behind this whole thing anyway... Assholes.

~Owen